People who like musicals are fucked up and that’s us

Nobody knows there’s no daylight in Berlin, but 
You’ll be surprised by the knowledge I know.

Everyone knows a breakfast companion comes free with your brunch, but 
I hope they are dressed like Hannibal Lector. 

Nobody knows I found a bloke at a local carpet shop, but 
We’re doomed to fail. 

Everyone knows that sky fish swim like this, but
It’s pretty fluid here. 

Nobody knows I have strongly mixed feelings about kissing, but
I don’t think I can turn up without a nose.

Everyone you know is unlocking their bicycles, but 
Psycho racing – it’s a thing! 

Nobody knows I don’t like desiccated coconut in my mouth, but
I will kiss you regularly. 

Everyone knows they never win in the end, but 
It’s not very good living through history, is it?

Nobody knows you are like a Swiss army knife of people, but
I’m a set of rules and regulations to live by.

Everyone knows heaven is so much further than Devon, but
I can’t believe we’re going south.

Nobody knows I always think of you as being green, but
People who like musicals are fucked up and that’s us,
So hangout with people who make your life a musical.

An interview with the general public

Who are you?

I’m the coconut man. I have no fine motor skills today and dancing is making me want to wee as I had some hash earlier.

It was stronger than I remember.

What’s your wish for 2019?

I hope the boys with the coconut cocktails are on the train again this year.

Who are you?

We are NOT the general public and this is the worst day of my life because god can’t type, Santa looks stubby and truths change depending on your mood. 

What’s your wish for 2019?

If only we could send all the water to space.

Who are you? Are you a couple or just one long relationship with changing faces?

Adam was the first release. He’s one of the few people I trust with motorcycles and firearms. 

He’s an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in something else and he makes things look like they should always have been there. 

What’s your wish for 2019?

Maybe the days will be longer.

Who are you?

I’m going to live to be 127 and tell the world how to snog. It’s like one big party.

What’s your wish for 2019?

To tell the world how to get rid of someone who can’t snog – do you know how many diseased people there are in London?

Who are you?

I am the coconut man. 
I’ll give you words to put in your book. 

A meteorite is going to hit the earth in an hour and a half.  I have a trolley of wine and cheese. What do you want to eat? 

WHAT’S YOUR WISH FOR 2019?

I’d rather have a cock than a lobster.

WHO ARE YOU?

I’m thinking too hard about it as I have no muscles and I am really weak. I’m sure there was a dog ripping incident. 

WHAT’S YOUR WISH FOR 2019?

People get tired doing nothing so you might as well get tired doing something electric. The French are ver good at that you’ll find. 

The year of the happy

In the year of the happy
Enjoy the sunshine.
I kept it alive with dark magic.
Don’t worry, I’m an expert 
Thought it’s a shame Burns night isn’t 
In the summer, but
You know it’s been a great night 
When you go home with trench foot.

In the year of the happy 
There was a plethora of abductions
And that camel was my spirit animal.
I kept him alive with dark magic.
Don’t worry, I’m an expert.
They are pretty mellow,
Not dangerous crocodiles.
They are more like a reindeer 
Than a cow is on the spectrum 
Of reindeer animals.

In the year of the happy
You will be my 58th wife.
Before I was looking for real love
but it’s not working.
I expect nothing but filth, but
I don’t know if my knees could 
tolerate that.
So, I’m thinking champagne socialist.
Most of them are dead now, aren’t they?
No, I kept them alive with dark magic.
Don’t worry, I’m an expert.

In the year of the happy
Maybe we need space cause
That’s where all the past goes
When I keep it alive with dark magic.
Don’t worry, I’m an expert.

Wonderlanderful

Wonderlanderful meditation is something I’d like to outsource.
I used to love getting punched but
How am I going to hurt someone with a biscuit if
You can’t cure cancer with beetroot juice?

I’m on a rock with my leaf and my banana And I definitely over-prawned it tonight.
It was a multiple yoda situation, so
I’m not comfortable with flirting and you
Can’t refuse home-made marmalade from a blind woman.

Wonderlanderful gene pool drowner,
He slept in a box.
You’re in your own little echo chamber, They are having a scrap, 
And it’s in a Hornsey Wendy House.

We are the confused mash potato people. We’re at the top of the food chain.
If it wasn’t for my comedy arms 
I would never dare tell you what to do
Because you wear your sparkles on the inside.

Wonderlanderful, that’s the warhorse
Not many people can go and see a llama in their lunch break
And sometimes teeth just have to leave the gum
To fulfil their destiny because
Everything is Wonderlanderful in the sun.

These are my words for all eternity

These are my words for all eternity. Listen to Anj.
She accidentally ran 5 marathons, wrote 3 books and became a charity CEO.
Now, welcome to an inside out cake.
I’ve just been explaining camels to people and I’ve got to hold onto my limbs now.

I so failed at crying.
We found a whole load of beings that were more depressed than us.
You’re a natural born cat mother. If it works for cats it should work for babies.
But you should embrace your giraffes as well.

There’s a red bus and an elephant. Bus drivers know fuck all about anything.
You think you’re more deep than you are. I do, but I’m an idiot.
I found a chunk of my son’s thumb. It’s been left on the floor.
He’s not quite got the hang of gravity yet.

The wind is 50 mph which means no one has to get dressed today.
Can the wind drive you crazy?
No, but 3 cups of really strong coffee will. That’s a lot of coffee.
Can we have tea? Yes, we’re not racist.

I thought about stocking up on toilet roll because Wilko is the Wetherspoons of homeware.
But you can’t buy a small packet of jelly tots and hope to be satisfied.

Vlad-a-like is called Christmas. It wasn’t an omen.
Just one of those drunk things. He’s a typical waiter.
More women should talk about sex.
I’ve never seen so many words for penis in a book. Stop there, babe.

I’ve got to take my bicycle wheel to a bicycle shop.
My teleport plans aren’t going very well. Things are seeping put now. 

And I really miss quadratic equations. I’m not very good with vowels.
It wasn’t a school where you ate all your food through a straw.
It had one of those annoying modern staircases. It’s also in the shape of a heart.
Oh, I’m not bringing any small children here then. 

Does your writing get better the more you drink?
No, it’s all going to be about who can forage and if you’re happy to eat rats.

These are my words for all eternity.

I love me, I really do.

I love me, I really do.
I’m not a tribe. I’m a chieftain of my tribe. 
I have a story about Twin Peaks and the Queen and
Writers on buses with wine.
For fucks sake, I’m about to go out and buy drugs on the Kings Road
Because I always wanted to meet the egg man.
I’m starting to think of him as yesterday’s man.

I love me, I really do. 
I’ve got lovely door handles because
It turns out that you have to build a ramp for your eggs 
As the chicken passed away from stress.
You go back to the 1800s and then you pounce. 
That’s what I was going to do,
Put the leg back on, but I might have to end up cutting it off. 

I love me, I really do.
I definitely would be ready to become famous now,
But I didn’t want to confess to having a lazy bum.
It’s like a big spongy dough ball.
Also, I don’t like being away from the river. 
It’s the deformed human things and there’s a lot of dead people. 
One of those fellas was sunk twice
And that brick is the evil dead.

I love me, I really do.
3 nipples of pure joy,
It was the least gangster flavour of ice cream.
But nothing brings me more joy than pictures of your mum’s cat.
He might just be a quantum cat. 
Yet somehow his mouth managed to cover my nose, repeatedly. 
You are giddy from kissing, so
I walked around like a gall bladder and left with your frog of love.

I love me, I really do 
But men never clean the work top. 
Now all the kids are doing parkour on the oven. 
And Christmas is loved, just not appropriately. 
She would turn in her grave if she was already dead.
Why? The job of a grandparent is to sit in the back of the car 
And give out money.

I love me, I really do.
I’m not a tribe. I’m a chieftain of my tribe.

Really? Really? Really? 

Swipe left or you might end up falling in love with someone you don’t actually like

Things people say on dating app profiles

Bread is my downfall.
I’m never too old to be shot.
Cats are an emotional vacuum.
I pop out babies.
I believe in blaming people.
We’re going to have to pretend to be in different places.
I’m obsessed with that dog owner thing.
One thing I want is to do the knowledge but I don’t drive
I’m Pollyanna’s evil twin Monoanna.

Swipe left

Things people chat about on dating apps

We’re generation fab. You’re a Michelangela.

Do you think you might lose your foot? It’s almost a shame to cut it. It’s so beautiful. Take the stairs where you can.

When we become continuous cruisers we’ll have to cut down on the pork pies. The only thing left for you to eat is a giant cauliflower. Cheese doesn’t kill. 

No lorry would DARE fuck with you on a bike. You just have to pretend you are a car.

I have truth telling sunglasses. I need the mermaid mummy.

One advantage with being a giraffe is you can see over next doors’ hedge without needing a step ladder. People will think you’re trying to set up a robbery or something.

We can’t have nice things cos people abuse them. I can point you in the direction of an online jeans shop. 

Swipe left

Things people say about dating profiles

Some of these photos are crimes against humanity
It’s a multi-dimensional fuck up
He looks kind of melted, doesn’t he?
It’s not a baby. It’s just a dead thing.
He’d been plotting it in his room for ages.
Push him over and he might fall on his face and be less attractive.
Men – if all it takes to make them cry is a kiss they need to woman up.
You should make an app called I just want a snog.

Swipe left or you might end up falling in love with someone you don’t like. 

We are hexadecimal 

He said…

You can sit on the bench 
But you can’t guarantee who will come and sit next to you. 
Now, I like everyone on the spectrum of people 
But these are the people who killed the county. 

She said…

Look at you with your non-binary hair.
You shouldn’t even have hair.
I told someone to put it in the purple coffin
As there might be doors everywhere we don’t know about.

They said…

I like winter
Everyone is calm and worrying about the cold.
It was raining. I couldn’t go any further.
I wouldn’t go on a ferry if it didn’t have an umbrella.

You said…

I never understood what was going on when they kidnapped you.
It was too late to intervene.
They blew up my cardigan. 
I called the seagull police though. 

We said…

I do like dirty meat.
I’ve got the brontosaurus in my living room so
Sometimes flies come to me.
That’s not 5 star. 

He said…

I don’t know what I want.
Eating a marathon is way better than running one
As long as you have a beard you’ll never go hungry 
but you need to choose your Janet.

She said…

Henry’s life* was snorting shit for 5 years
And then he died.
I think he had 5 nose jobs and knew
The fundamental interconnectedness of all bugs.

They said…

There are no hi-vis rules in community singing.
Those were for charity shop bands
Like the Spice Girls but with watches.
They’re not too wild but you do have to police them.

We said…

Why is the world going so very fast?
We are a car engine.
Grey hot is not as good as blue hot
But if I had a cruising van.

He said…

You can write YOLO on your bathroom wall. 
I need to be plastered into an A4 sheet or something.
They are words that don’t make sense
When you put them together like an eye hairbrush.

She said…

Where do I live? I don’t know.
There’s nothing to crash into but people
Cos corners are evil.
The Life of Brian saved me from joining a cult.

Everyone said…

We are hexadecimal.

To my surprise

To my surprise
I have a pint of sarcasm
I don’t get my words read out to people
I am without words
But genius is just around the corner 

To my surprise
We are beyond box parks
We’re getting a Japanese toilet
Sometimes we poo on the spot
But all we’re doing is letting go.

To my surprise
Seagull sleep patterns aren’t compatible
with giraffe sleep patterns
I think my ears have melted but
Shooting might exceed health and safety

To my surprise
Politics and dreams don’t mix
Randomness is lumpy like that
It looks like an STD
And pork belly smells like death

To my surprise
She’s got a psychological expense account
Beseeched with funfairs and other horrors
It’s chockablock full of middle England
Maybe one day we’ll be friends again 

To my surprise
I’ve had that dream about guinea pigs
I’m Rex with a jet pack and you’re Zeus with the wii
But If my van doesn’t arrive by the end of the world
I’ll be really upset.